see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
