Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
