he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
