I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
