today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
