Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
