the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
