somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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