I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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