you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
