Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
areolas are like halos for boobs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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