So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
