I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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