OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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