threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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