Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
