I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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