I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
