I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
