I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
