I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
