Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
