I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
