whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
