i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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