just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
