We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
