You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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