Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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