Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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