Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
