someone threw a dead crab at me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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