Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
