Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
