I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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