someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
