You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
