Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
