also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We need to get me chipped asap
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
