u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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