Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
