Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
