My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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