i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
