She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
