bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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