The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
