This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
