You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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