Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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