my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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