I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
