I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Rumble strips road head = magical
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
