I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
