***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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