just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
