Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
