i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
